November 9, 2005
I made a new page.
November 10, 2005
Bill Maher interviewed Dr Gupta from cnn this week
and was giving him hell about the bird flu.
Bill said there’s a different pandemic scare every month, what is this
the boy who cried plague? Anyway I think
Bill is stealing my material, when I get ideas off his show I tell yall that I saw so-and-so on the Bill Maher show. I deserve some credit, I am a genius. Bird flu my ass. Grant Wooten.
November 14, 2005
Well
November 18, 2005
I still have bird flu and I may have mad cow too – just kidding. Shout outs, what the hell are shout outs? Every time we play a fraternity or sorority party numerous souls come up to the stage and ask for a shout out to so-and-so, and then it’s the birthdays, give Timmy a shout out cause it’s his birthday. I didn’t get a shout out for my birthday, why should Timmy. Why don’t you buy a $5000 PA and give Timmy a shout out yourself. I can’t wait til we’re as big as Bon Jovi, then we won’t have to give shout outs all the time. The thing is, if we forget to give little Jenny a shout out then she’s coming back like every 10 minutes asking us over and over. It would take diligence but if I acted like I spoke Italian the whole show, people wouldn’t ask me to do shout outs. What is a shout out anyway? Next time some chick asked for a shout out for her boyfriend Bobby, in a real slow redneck voice I’ll say “Bobby, you’re a dead man, I’m gonna hunt you down and kill you, you got a pretty mouth, you ever seen the inside of a dead mule?” or something random and creepy like that, although that wouldn’t be good for publicity, if the band had a crazy, serial killer on lead guitar. So for now, I’ll put up with the request, although I may put something in the contract about a procedure for making announcements. Maybe I’ll bring forms with me and whoever asks for a shout out, I’ll hand them the form, and they’ll look at it, and they’ll look at me, and I’ll be like, “Hey, if you want us to announce something for you it has to go though the proper channels, we can’t go around making unsolicited announcements without the proper consent, we could be held libel and sued.” and on the form it would make you get the signatures of all the parties involved and their legal representation and then it would have to be notarized. Oh and did I mention, our legal representation, yeah their office closed at 4:00 PM EST. That would be smart ass, I might come up with a form. The band needs a forms page for all our SOPs and contracts and sign offs, we aren’t nearly as bureaucratic as we should be.
November 21, 2005
I am sad USC lost, I was pulling for the cocks this weekend and not Clemson. I own a couple of shares of At&T – they recently merged with SBC – and since I own shares AT&T is charging me a $20 “reorganization” fee for something or other. I am pissed, I shouldn’t have to pay a freaking fee for their paperwork and their merger, if I would have know that I would have sold my shares and been done with them. I sent AT&T an email asking why they did this, they have not responded yet, I imagine they won’t – they aren’t known for their customer service. AT&T sucks, so does SBC. AT&T brings you truth in wireless but fraud to its shareholders. Screw em. What else pisses me off today? – oh yeah – CNN reports that the WHO has issued a warning that if the bird flu comes into contact with the regular flu it could for a super mutant flu capable of killing millions – now does this sound like something a doctor would say or something you would see on Southpark – I can’t tell the difference anymore. When medical advice and Southpark dialogue are one in the same – guess what people – we’re screwed, just like AT&T. If the bird flu joined with AT&T we would have a super awesome bird flu epidemic that only worked in metropolitan areas and had Harry Connick Jr. as its official spokesman. “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m here today to bring you truth in bird flu, when we say we’re gonna be a pandemic we mean it, no taxes and fees like the other guys.” I don’t even subscribe to suncom or AT&T anything and they still hit me with a fee – imagine what they can do to you. Harry Connick – go catch the bird flu and make babies with Tom Cruise.
Here’s a shout out: “AT&T you suck, Harry you are only cool when standing beside Will Smith”
I bet the WHO is going to make some announcement about some man in
Keep it here for all your bird flu news.
November 23, 2005
Hello, what if George Bush was you uncle, I bet he would give you cool gifts, like guns or gerbils. I think I would rather have a gerbil. Marty likes to talk about gerbils, I wonder why? Do you know one of those people that over indulge in punctuation? They ask questions like: What do you think about the new TPS reports?????? Or they make things bold and underlined throughout an essay or paper or email. Not that I read too many essays, essays were what I did in Mrs. Grantham’s class, screw an essay…….anyway (notice my use of the dots…) these Punctuation Pirates have now invaded. What does it mean when a word is bolded anyway, does it mean pay attention??? Does it mean you better remember this word?? Does is mean yeah, look here, pay me attention!!! JACKASS!!! I think when an adult reads something they should be able to read it critically and pick up on the main points, I personally don’t like reading a piece with bolded and underlined words in it – or colored words either. And what’s with all the question marks???? And exclamation makes!!!!!!1 What does that mean? Does it imply something or is it asking for a suggestion? I don’t get it. Also all those links out there in the text of webpages, piss me off, but Dr. Maddux already wrote to us about that so I won’t get into it. I think Dr. Maddux would agree there are too many punctuation pirates out there……if you are a punctuation pirate you know who you are!!!!!!!! Real writers don’t rely on punctuation to grab your attention, they do it with mad skillz, I got game!
November 28, 2005
I think I am going to get rid of the truck, it is an evil machine. Not to mention it causes me to do stupid things, really stupid things. Some days I am afraid to go out of the house. What is bling, and why are so many people concerned with it? My computer does not recognize bling as a word, I had to add it to my dictionary. A suggestion, tube amps are better than solid state amps, if you want to be in a band, get a tube amp, if you want to play in our garage, get a non-tub amp. Raymond is a good man, we should consider electing him to Bishop or some mid level religious leader position, maybe cult vice president or something. By the way I almost destroyed a gas station this weekend. That’s the whole truck story, in a nut shell, and without the bling. Seriously, I am getting rid of the devil truck and getting an old Saturn or Kia or Honda – something small and wreckable. It works in reverse, if you drive a piece of shit car it will not attract evil. If you have a nice new car it will attract evil and all kinds of craziness. At least it works for me in this manner. Like a dog, a smart man told me, “If you pay $500 for a dog he’ll run out in the street and get killed a week later. But if you get a mutt, he’ll live forever….hell, you can’t kill it” Thanksgiving was good, no crazy ass family issues, pretty normal I suppose. Well, that’s about all for now.
November 29, 2005
Wow, I rented that
December 5, 2005
Saddam’s trial is going on and he is all pissed off, just like on
Southpark. Let’s see what can I make fun
of today, on yeah. For those of you that
were wondering, I am not all knowing, I am not as smart as you think I am and I
am a horrible, horrible driver. Most
recently I tried to drive off from a gas station while still the nozzle was
still in the truck. The hose broke loose
at the top of the pump and sprayed gas everywhere. There was no fire, and no one got hurt. I had to go inside and get the ladies to hit
the emergency stop. Some of you were
asking for an explanation. That is why I
want to get rid of the devil truck, I’m sure it’s the truck’s fault. What else, let’s see. I sent an email to At&t
and they didn’t respond. I did complain
about a recent adjustment and repair that was made to my newest guitar – the
telecaster. The repair guy called both
me and ryan 3 times to apologize – I appreciated the
customer service. I was going to tell
all of you who not to use as a guitar-man in
December 7, 2005
To borrow from my friends at the FBI, “We don’t comment on on-going investigations, Denny Crane” Other than some really sick British humor, as I call it, I’m doing fine, the Devil truck almost got into a gunfight this week, no shit. I’m looking forward to a weekend doing nothing; I may not leave the house. Denny Crane.
December 8, 2005
That guy who got shot by the air marshals, well that sucks for everybody. You don’t go around screaming you have a bomb, I feel sorry for his wife and also the guy would shot him. 9-11 changed everything. This week has been strange, this month has been strange, and this year has been strange. I got engaged, we’re planning a wedding, we’re buying furniture and re-doing the house, the band is doing really well. I have learned some things this year, no a better description is I have used things I’ve learned in the past to become a supreme Jeopardy player – just kidding. Yeah, one of these days we’ll probably have kids. The job is going well too, I’m going to get to tryout a new position which involves working a rotating shift and getting trained in firefighting and hazmat, it’s been fun doing all that stuff. I finally got a telecaster. The work I had done to the guitar cost a fourth of what the thing was new, imagine buying a $20,000 car and then pimping it out with $5,000 – that’s what I did, except the guitar does not have 16 switches. Eric Wright would understand that.
December 9, 2005
I was reading about wines, probably because we visited some wineries in the
Devil state. (
December 12, 2005
I saw something funny on TV but I forgot what it was. Oh, no never mind, no wait. Let’s see here, I have been called a liberal, and a tree hugger and a communist – all recently, not so recently I was called a terrorist. I’ve been called a Jihadist too. These names that were casts upon me, by less educated men go to show the maturity level of our great president. When someone disagrees with you the best thing to do is call them names and accuse them of being a terrorist – it wouldn’t be the first time. Didn’t they do that with communist? Secondly, I heard in George Bush’s radio address that he asked for an extension on some of the stuff in the patriot act for next year. Again call the good legislation “patriot” call people who protest it “terrorist” and call judges that rule against it “activist” This name calling comes from elected officials, not people fussing at me for being a liberal. Long live the liberals. I can’t wait for Jimmy Smits to be the new president. Don’t go see the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe. Disney is Marketing this to churches – which isn’t bad in and of itself but Disney denied the Marketing ploy. Disney and the Christian right just can’t seem to figure each other out. It’s like some weird lesbian thing you want to take pictures of but the asshole bouncer at the door takes your camera phone. (Mom, I don’t have a camera phone I’m talking about Martin)
December 13, 2005
If this picture starts floating around the world in a chain e-mail then I
will have succeeded in brainwashing all the conservatives who read it – because
these are in fact liberal cats, protesting the state of
December 14, 2005
There is a parade in my little town today, I think that’s great. One word I do have about parades, I think
they are premeditated traffic jams.
Little kids love them and they always make for great TV, but I’m not a
big fan, especially if I am trying to get to lunch. Martin and I got stuck in parade traffic on
Veteran’s day in
Did I ever tell you about the time I ran for Lieutenant Governor? It was a hoot.
December 15, 2005
I was going to write about something funny, oh yeah. I had a dream about my girlfriend(s) from
high school last night so I decided to see what would happen if I googled Susie's name – guess what, it worked. She is a manager of a “bunny” ranch somewhere
in
December 17, 2005
We played in
December 21, 2005
I don't know what Bono did to get on the cover of Time and I'm too lazy to
look it up. Bono has been complaining since 1982, I guess it finally paid
off. Bono's real name is Paul, I wonder if he
remembers his real name? Speaking of U2, what's with the ipod commercials? And what's with the ipd anyway? I don't get it? If you are working
out, like we used to do for football and tried to affix an ipod
to your waist, the ipod would get destroyed,
You can't have full contact workouts while wired with an ipod.
However fox has figured out a way to "wire" NFL players for sound -
and I bet thy don't use an ipod. Seriously, I
like any devise that is small and stores music - the band uses an ipod to play songs in between sets at fraternity parties,
so like many of you I use an ipod too - it's Buzz's,
but I have to operate it sometimes. I think the best way to work out is
to have an unintelligible ex-football player from a small school in
December 28, 2005
The year is almost over and I know all of you are wondering if I am going to
make a 2006 page. I am wondering the
same thing myself. Most likely I will
not. So what’s going on in the
world? I could make fun of George today,
or the crazy cops in
December 29, 2005
Be careful what you ask for because your crazy mother will send you an email
and try to ship you a chinchilla from
The other week a crazy person tried to kill me at the atm at the Wachovia. I’m pretty used to this type of behavior. Usually it’s a crazy fan who wants me dead, but this time I don’t think the guy knew who I was, amazing, people usually recognize me in public. Sometimes I have to wear a disguise so I can even get to work without people asking for my underwear or either, again, trying to kill me. The other week I had to dress up like Evel Knievel just to get out of the neighborhood. It’s strange, even though people attack me weekly I still maintain a regular job, kinda like superman, except I’m not a reporter and I can’t fly very well. But I can stop a bullet as long as I am inside a dodge ram.
December 30, 2005
The last entry for 2005. I won’t be
within 100 miles of a computer tomorrow, well I might be, but just for the sake
of the story. Some 16 year old kid in
One other thing, I’ve been to
Thinking Bush is an ass and
January 3, 2006
It’s 2006 and I don’t have a new page, oh no. So, this weekend was fun. We played some new songs, snorted some grits and played monopoly. I was late Friday night, so I’ll have to take the guy’s word for it, but they claim they played their asses off. I think they might be lying, because when I started naming songs they hadn’t played any of them. The only songs I know they played were astray, Jackson Browne III, 3 steps and smoke on the water, in a period of 2 hours. I think all they did was drink, although the crowd seemed to like them. Anyway Saturday night we did play our asses off, our first set was 2 hours – we aren’t used to that. So the highlight was again Josh’s antics. He ate a napkin. Who eats napkins? Carrie played Monopoly the whole time, but we soon learned that to play her you have to have an Oversight Committee watch over the game because she cheats. Buzz plays but he is a tight ass, like Hank Hill. I gotta go do something or other. Happy New Year.
January 5, 2006
Happy new year, and all that…again I don’t have a 2006 page. Go ahead and email me and tell me to get
one. I dare ya. If I was a tree I would not want to be a
Christmas tree because they don’t live very long. I’m glad the fake USC lost the bowl game, I
hope the university falls off into the ocean, and the survivors are eaten by
rabbits and sharks. New CSI tonight,
watch it or the government will come to your house and spy on you. Hippies are stupid, but I would still like to
live in
January 6, 2006
Note to self: Don’t buy a bunch of
stock based on unsolicited spam from unknown senders. A friend of mine recently retired. He made me promise not to write about him,
well he kinda threatened me, I wonder if he would
really beat me with a 5 iron? Stupid
news of the day: Bird flu found in
January 9, 2006
The best company to work, according to some Fortune 100 poll, is called
Genentech. Guess what, they are located
in
January 10, 2006
It’s hard sometime to come up with crap to put on a page. That’s why I want to remind everyone to go watch Boston Legal tonight at 10 on channel 9 in Bennettsville. I’m sure it’s a different channel where you live. Let’s see, in the past 5 years the average price of natural gas has quadrupled, has your heating bill gone up that much? If you complain about your bills and vote for a republican you should have your tongue cut out. Don’t blame me I voted for shithead! It pisses me off when people get on the news and complain, but the reporter never asks them if they voted and if so who for? If al Gore was president we wouldn’t be in this mess. If a politician does not like gays or abortion or “welfare” - then automatically every white man in the south, regardless of economic position is going to proclaim his allegiance to this alleged politician, when in fact putting this man in office would economically and socially hurt said white man. I’m not an economist, but I play one on the internet…..if you are poor, vote for a democrat, if you can’t afford to send your kid, to college vote democrat, if you think fossil fuel is too expensive, vote democrat, if you can’t afford a house vote democrat. If you have ever planned a wedding on a Dale Earnhart Junior calendar then you need to vote for a democrat, although you won’t, because democrats don’t like NASCAR and hunting. That’s true. We don’t like either, but that doesn’t mean we want to take them away. If you are a democrat and go hunting then you are either a) a farmer b) the Unabomber c) Too rich to be a real democrat and need to turn your card in at the door.
January 13, 2006
I was told today that I am a pacifist.
That word means different things to different people, so I can’t say for
sure if I am. I don’t agree with war and
I don’t condone violence but I will kick Buzz’s ass if pressed, and I won’t
hesitate to haze the piss out of pledges.
On a sad note, we no longer have the boogey kitty. He is an ex-kitty. He met his demise at the hand of a Goodyear or some other brand of tire. Do not send other kitties in his place; I repeat no new kitties are necessary.
January 17, 2006
We are in the middle of a wedding thing, as some of you know. I have been getting advice lately, mostly
unsolicited. I think the best piece of
advice is to do what she says, even if she tells me to go pee off the
roof. I think the worst advice was to
well, beat her at least weekly and if she don’t deserve it, we then you just
didn’t look hard enough. Anyway I intend
to follow at least one of these for the next month. So what, is this all there is to say, oh
no. We had a shower this weekend in
Why I want a chinchilla? First of all they are cute, cute and furry. They like to play in the forest, but I don’t have a forest, so they will live in my kitchen. Second, chinchillas are fun to watch, they can do tricks like dogs, but they are small like baby bunnies. But the biggest reason I want chinchillas is because they provide the most protection from the rabbits. Rabbits and chinchillas are enemies, everyone knows this. If you have enough chinchillas in your house the rabbits can’t get in. The end.
See how much fun it is to write about chinchillas.
January 18, 2006
So, what’s going on? Did I mention
the bird flu and how it pisses me off?
Yea I thought so. CNN is
reporting the world bank asked for 1.2 billion over the next 3 years to treat
the bird flu and they got 1.9 billion.
Somebody at the world bank is laughing their ass off right now. The world bank said they needed the 1.2
billion at a global conference in
January 20, 2006
We went to a new Italian restaurant yesterday in
January 24, 2006
I was reading a business hint, it says if you think you are leaving voice mails that are too long then call your own office and leave the same message and listen to yourself. I want to add a new rule to that, if you leave a message at home or the office and your stupid message is longer than my greeting – shut-up. One more thing – you’re no fifty cent, so don’t talk like he does when you leave your damn number, I can’t make out that machine gun you call pronunciation. Go take some voice lessons jack.
Oh, if we didn’t invite you to the wedding and you want an invitation send
me an email. If you got an invitation
and didn’t want one then go stick your left hand into the fan belt of your car
while it’s running. If you don’t have a
car then we didn’t invite you, people without cars are either crazy, poor or
from
January 25, 2006
I was going to write about something but then I forgot again, that is
happening all the time now, I must have some form of mad cow. I remember now, google
is going to provide some kind of internet search or service to the Chinese –
except they will censor the content. I
wonder if this page is censored in
January 27, 2006
You know what is sketchy? I don’t have anything that pisses me off this week. I have a friend that worries about schools in the area. That will be me one day. I have been called a pacifist and a communist and a liberal, but I think there is one thing I can agree with the conservatives on – that’s school vouchers. The education system is the poorer states – sucks ass. The system has been failing since the 1970’s. The system does not work, therefore I think instead of trying to make it better, we need to start over. Competition among schools, in my opinion would be a great thing, and if it didn’t work then, oh well, try something else. More money needs to be spent on vocational type education, everyone does not need to go to college. I would say in some cases college is a waste of money. How many people do you know with useless degrees that could be doing what they are doing with a 2 year technical education or even just a high school education? Personally I loved high school, but I found it academically boring, except for 2 or 3 classes, and yearbook of course. They want to build all new schools in Marlboro county to the tune of like 60 million – that’s a shitload of money. By the way almost all of the public schools down here have below average or unsatisfactory report cards.
January 30, 2006
Have you seen Wedding Crashers? Well if you have and you liked it, then your baseline for comedy is 60 Minutes or Dateline. I thought wedding crashers sucked ass, in fact I thought it was so bad I tried to chew off one of my toes. Let’s face it, sometimes good people make shitty movies. This was a classic case of the shitty movie syndrome. Some where, some chick thought it was cute, and she laughed all the way though it and her dumb-ass boyfriend laughed too, then he told his friends how much he laughed and how much his dike-ass-whore girlfriend laughed, so his friends took their commercialized zombie whores too see it and they laughed and everybody laughed and no one stopped to tell the Emperor he was naked – until now. People open your eyes, see the truth, it’s right in front of your face. Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson may be charming to an extent, but damn they are annoying, and what is the deal with Christopher Walkin playing the secretary of the treasury – he’s too creepy to be in a chick movie. I was waiting for him to throw Owen Wilson into a pit with John Malkovich. The gay kid and the asshole boyfriend – come on, it’s like you knew what they were going to say before they said it – an 8th grader could have written better dialogue. Will Farrell was the silver lining – had it not been for him I would have certainly chewed all the way through the bone of my toe and would be writing this with only 9. Please don’t recommend this movie to anyone. Doing so only causes good people to kill parts of their brain, parts of the brain used to find cures for cancers and the evil rabbits. Please bury this movie in the backyard with your dead kitties and crazy ex-girlfriends.
January 31, 2006
The president is going to speak tonight and surely interrupt TV for millions
of Americans. I say to Bush, “Stay off
the airways Jackass.” I might
watch. There was an article in the
Bennettsville newspaper that a Wal-Mart is coming to town. That was my idea 7 years ago. I guess they finally read my email. I’m sure the local people will get pissed off
and not want it, they get pissed off about everything else. Oh by the way, the
February 1, 2006
Someone told me they wanted to get on my “blog”
Well this isn’t a blog, and they can go jump into the
first boiling vat of acid they see. In
no way is this a blog, blogs
are automated, and are formatted the same, they are made for little girls and
old men – well that sounds bad, anyway this is a webpage and has always been a
webpage, it has its own name there are no google ads,
the name is owned, it’s not yada-yada/my name/blogspot/1234.com it’s owned by
Martin, technically. His credit card
pays for the space now. Back in 1999
when this page started I owned the space and the name, now Martin does –
although Buzz, Ryan and I maintain it, I don’t think Martin even knows the
password, oh and I’m the one who used his credit card to pay for it. I had his card, what else was I gonna
do. You should of seen the jet-ski I
bought, he was pissed when they delivered it to his apartment. Anyway, I like to think of this page a work
of literature, not a blog. If you want to get on my blog
good luck cause I ain’s got a blog. If you want to get on my webpage just say
something stupid. Which shouldn’t be too
hard. I didn’t watch much of the Bush
Factor last night. You know that scene
in Independence Day with the flying saucer and the whitehouse,
that would have been cool if those aliens flew in last night. Cindy Sheehan, they crazy mother who hates
Bush was arrested in the House gallery for wearing a shirt that said “2245
dead, how many more?” To be fair a congressman’s wife was kicked out in the
gallery for wearing a shirt that said “Support Our Troops.” There is a rule that forbids protesting in
the House gallery – I understand a rule prohibiting yelling and waving big ass
signs – but shirts, come on. That’s stupid. Free speech, but not in the sitting area
(which is like a movie theater) of a building that my freaking dollars paid for
– please somebody start a revolution.
And quit asking me for money, damn.
February 3, 2006
My sister has been accepted into 3 law schools.
February 6, 2006
Well, there is a bunch going on. The
Muslims are pissed about a political cartoon and the Steelers won a super
bowl. I don’t have any comments, I
really don’t care. If you want to burn
down a building because of a cartoon then you probably wanted to burn it down
to begin with, you just needed a reason.
Oh I said I wasn’t going to comment – so on to other things. We played this weekend in
February 7, 2006
MLK’s wife’s funeral was today and all the
presidents were there. I wonder if each
of their respective secret service details make fun of each other. I bet Carter’s guys get the brunt of the
jokes. I bet Bush’s guys are actually
worried that someone might try something with him – he has pissed off just
about every country on earth. Texans do
that.
February 8, 2006
May a pack of chinchillas descend upon your household and keep you safe and smelly. Those are the words from the unpublished gospel of Bo. Bo was one of the lesser known disciples, but he was related to Luke, they might have been cousins. Yep, Bo and Luke used to get into all kinds of trouble together. I’ll stop there. These cartoon people piss me off. I’m all about demonstrations and free speech and boobies, Denny Crane, but come on. Mariah Carey is up for all kinds of Grammy’s. U2 is up for album of the year. Guess what, I will be watching lost. Screw the Grammies, I hate awards shows, I wish President Bush would do something about stupid ass award shows. And the Olympics are coming up in 2 days – wow 136 sports nobody gives a rat’s ass about. Back in the day the Olympics were all about Good versus Evil and Communism versus Democracy – we had something to care about. Now what – the Olympics are overrated. If I owned NBC – I wouldn’t even bid on coverage for the games, they suck. Who cares about speed skating? Now if the speed skaters carried swords with them and fought to the death – that would make for good TV. Downhill skiing, what is that about? And hockey – hockey, shit, don’t even pretend you like hockey. I bet 99.9% of you reading this didn’t even know the NHL didn’t have a season last year – so don’t pretend you like hockey and say how cool it is. Figure skating, OK so some females reading this like figure skating, that’s fine, but they have figure skating on ESPN 2 like every weekend at 3 AM – stay up and watch that why don’t ya?
February 9, 2006
Congratulations to Time magazine for clinching a Grammy for a suck ass musician with a goat brain. (We had goats at work this week.) I did not watch the show as I said I was not going to, I read about online. I flipped though the channels twice and saw Madonna perform and then Coldplay later. Madonna didn’t surprise me but Coldplay did, I have heard them before, I even have a live show of theirs but they sucked, that dude can’t sing – maybe he was sick. Enough about that. There was an alleged nerve agent in some Senate office building last night. It turned out to be no big deal. It snowed today, wow, then the sun came out and it was warm again. I hate the snow, snow pisses me off. I used to like the snow because it meant you didn’t go to school, but now it just means I have to freeze my ass off – nothing fun about that. They don’t call off work because of snow, and if they did I have a feeling I would be the first person called in – I live the closest and I have a big truck that looks like it would drive good in snow, when in fact it does not. Consumer news: For a test I went to the progressive insurance company website and got a insurance quote – guess what, they weren’t the cheapest. In fact they were $600 a year more expensive than what I currently pay. I just thought I would share that with you. I did notice something with them – their price was the same no matter what I selected as my credit rating, however, their competitor’s prices were always a good bit higher when your credit score went down. So with that information I can see how they claim to save people so much money. Also emigrant direct has the best interest rates on savings accounts. Both Ryan and I have accounts. 4.25% APR currently.
February 10, 2006
I was returning a call to the solicitors office, and they don’t have call
waiting or voice mail or a secretary, it’s just busy. Now that would piss Denny Crane off. They can call me but I can’t call them. Sounds like most bars we try to play. Vote no on the referendum on March 7. Otherwise your property tax may double over
the next 4 years. This only applies if
you live in
February 13, 2006
I watched some of the Olympics, I admit.
I was bored. I didn’t do anything
this weekend, and it was good. It’s
amazing. The world wide web and its
billions of people and they all have access to this tiny little site and one,
one seems to know the inner workings of the DA’s office in a tiny little town
in a tiny little state known only for rebels and baby killers. Amazing
coincidence. I wrote thank you cards
this weekend, and for every one I put lipstick on and kissed it and wrote – “Thanks
for the shit!” If you get one of these
special cards you win a free trip to
February 16, 2006
Bird flu strikes again, now it’s in
February 17, 2006
Remember to vote no-no on March 7th or else you will pay an extra $500 a month in property tax. Didn’t I tell the world NBC should not have even bid on the Olympics? Well Idol has beaten them twice, Grey’s Anatomy once and last night Dancing With the Stars beat the Olympics from the 8-9 spot. From 9-11 the Olympics did take the cake, but come on, Dancing With the Stars. More people watched dancing with old-ass-C-list-has-been-celebrities than the Olympics. The only reason the 9-11 spot was won by the Olympics was because everything else was a re-run. Fox did this thing right, they put up their headliner, their flagship, Idol, against the old school paradigm – the Olympics, the usual move is for everybody to fold up for 16 days and have a bunch of re-runs, but Fox said no – and it paid off. Good for Fox, competition is good for viewers, especially when viewers think the Olympics suck ass, and they do. Maybe this will be a wake up call. If I owned Fox, I would not preempt programming for anything, including the president, the vice president or gay ass figure skaters. Someone asked me to mention him on the webpage a few weeks ago, he said “What do I have to do to get on the blog?” and then when I cursed him for it and condemned him to a pot of boiling acid, he said he didn’t want to be on this blog anymore. Well I remind Mr. Happy Pants that this is not a blog, and I will ask him to go play Easter-egg hunt out on I-95 until he learns the proper terminology. If you ask me what I want for the wedding I will tell you a chinchilla, as many people as I have told this I am surprised I have not received a chinchilla yet, but seriously, get me a chinchilla and you will get a very nice thank you note. If you don’t I might mail you an Easter egg with directions to I-95 inside if it. Maybe now I will get a whole pack of chinchillas. Despite the significant similarity in the sound of the names, Chia Pets are not related to chinchillas. Don’t get me a Chia pet or I will kick and scream and pout and probably break it over your head.
February 21, 2006
Dr. Peter is not my doctor. Dr. Peter
lives in a tent out behind the
I did go to the doctor again yesterday, that’s why I didn’t write. Every time I go to the doctor I am scared they will try to give me a shot, so I plan my escape route. I even predetermine which technique I am going to use to toss the nurses away, jump through the glass at the receptionist desk and run like hell. Coach Williams didn’t teach me much about being a defensive back but he taught me a lot about breaking out of a doctor’s office. He used to call me a peanut head, who’s the peanut head now, mister?
February 21, 2006 additional
As an aside and no I did not forget, Ashley turned 30 today. Yep 30 years old . She has a 0.064% chance of dying this year, while I have a 0.133% chance of dying, according to the druids who run the social security website. I sent her flowers to work, like on that show, because she is an old ass woman. If I were 30 years old I think I would go jump off a bridge into a vat of acid or motor oil. One of these days I will be 30, but by then either I or my good friend Donald will own most of you as slaves so I will tell you I’m 24 and you will have to believe me or else you will be jumping into a pot of acid. That band, the Black Eyed Peas – they suck, they are like that stupid ass group Cypress Hill – remember them, always talking about smoking pot and getting high. Well they played to the stupidity of an audience of juvenile ears. People free yourselves, turn off those radios and go listen to Jackson Browne. You know what else I hate – Jam bands. Man they piss me off. I wish they would learn how to sing. I’m going to put Dave Matthews into this category too, although he does not fit the bill perfectly, there’s a lot of jamming and a lot of bad singing going on. Widespread was on Austin City Limits 2 weeks ago. I tried to watch but I couldn’t take it.
February 22, 2006
My sister’s birthday is tomorrow, happy birthday Lee Ann. I vaguely remember when she was born, I remember that’s when the GI Joe’s stopped coming. Congratulations to all the 6 people who remind me there are only 3 days o back out – you are unoriginal bastards, get some new material, it’s like I’m watching reruns of the Cosby show here, come one. Frequently asked question # 28: In coming to your decision have you seen a professional? Answer: Yes but they were too expensive and they were going to charge extra for disposal.
Frequently Asked question #29: What? Answer: Oh you meant a counselor type – never mind that thing about the disposal.
Ray you are smart. Thank you for not harassing me.
February 25, 2006
I'm sitting here waiting to get dressed and go to the church. My groomsmen have been wonderful, including Josh and Butch, my double secret probation staff. Next time I write I will be married. Sounds funny. So far I haven't gotten any chinchillas as presents, but hey, that's alright. Josh made himself and easy $100. Well, I'll see yall next week.
March 6, 2006
I have been out of the country, no I didn’t r-u-n-n-o-f-t. By the way, the Jamaican airport sucks
ass. They don’t have enough customs
people or people working at the
All the music the play on the island is Bob Marley. That would be like us listening to Elvis all the time. It really got annoying. The beaches were nice, the food was great, but getting there was a bitch. We ended up taking a little single engine plane ride from the big airport to right across the street from out resort. We had been in customs for 2.5 hours and we going to have to wait another 2 hours to get to our place. There is a little airplane guy that can get you there in 15 minutes. This may have been more dangerous than cliff jumping, although we were so pissed off if we had crashed we would have blamed the travel agent. If you ever go to one of these places I suggest making reservations at the fancy restaurants as soon as possible, and drink constantly, they more you drink the less money they make off of you. I drank so much I got sick, I only do that once a decade. Red Stripe is tastes like South Paw, and apple martinis should not taste like turpentine.
March 7, 2006
My wife and I communicate through cyberspace though we live in the same house. So I was drunk, what do you expect? You married a rock star. Get used to plaid pants and month long drunks. I bet Heather would understand. Remember those commercials with the frying egg saying this is your brain on drugs. I never liked those. I thought they were a bit of an exaggeration. The war on drugs is stupid too, just like the war on terrorism. Why not a war on chinchilla salesmen, they suck too.
March 8, 2006
I was sad
March 10, 2006
People who have blogs aren’t subhuman. Blogs will
eventually go away, when something new is invented, but my little page will
still be here. I am too young to know
anything about the threat of nuclear war, all I remember is Regan and that
Russian guy with the amoeba growing on his head. From what little I’ve read the US was
essentially scared into the cold war by propaganda – once the cold war was over
all the evidence showed the Russians were bluffing about their military
superiority, although they did have nuclear weapons, if they would have used
them like half of the ICBMs wouldn’t have worked and if they tried to fly them
over in planes their planes would have crashed.
So do you see a trend – the intelligence community is pretty damn good
at scaring us into “war” - the cold war,
the war on terror, the war with Iraq, and you might could make a case for
Vietnam and Korea as well…. So now the threat is
March 13, 2006
I was going to write about something but I forgot what it was. It must not have been important – oh, maybe it was the West Wing, or maybe it wasn’t. I remember, it was the Sopranos. Last night was the season debut after nearly 2 years since the last new episode. When they went off air they were the shit, all the acotors and actresses were on talk shows and doing interviews and yada, yada – lately I haven’t see much of the crew, I’ve seen a few commercials, and I think the show sponsored a Busch series car – but I don’t see the hype. I am not going to predict a failure, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the ratings were lower than expected, and this ended up being the last season of the Sopranos – HBO really dropped the ball in my opinion. Over the course of 4 years they stopped production of Sopranos, cancelled Sex and the City and Six Feet Under and replaced them with all new shows that sucked – and now that show about the man with 3 wives – come on, that is stupid. That show won’t work because it’s too serious and no one can relate to the characters and everyone knows it’s fake. People liked Sex and the City and the 6 Feet Under and the Sopranos because they kept it real, you could relate to some of the characters, and some of the drama all the while the writing and acting pushed the edges of your tolerance. I watched like 60 seconds of that Bill Paxton Puke Fest. For once the Mormons are right – this show is crap!
March 15, 2006
Go stick a fork in your eye. That’s what I tell all the people who want me to buy “insurance” from a credit card company. It’s only $12.95 a month, and it pays for your “interest” in case you cannot work. That sounds stupid to me, anyway I don’t have any interest. And yes, I was slightly bored with the new episode of the Sopranos. We are playing at the St. Patty’s day thing in five points. They sent us an email telling us we weren’t chosen because we were not good enough and unprofessional or so and so….
“We are sorry
to inform you that your act was not selected for the 2006 St. Patrick's Day
Festival in Five Points. Acts were
selected by a number of factors, including but not limited to, originality,
professionalism, talent level, draw and diversity”
Then like a month later they call us and want us to play…which we all had some reservations, be we decided to do it. I personally thought it was a good thing to play, it was not a good thing dealing with inept self proclaimed managers. But we should play new venues when we can, even if it is for 30 minutes. You never know, someone out there may see us and want to book us at their party or their bar.
March 16, 2006
I few notes: I hate lines, I like Monty Python and good sketch comedy, I hate stupid people at McDonalds, I really like playing good music, I hate jackasses who give unsolicited personal advice in the form of a command, I like puppies, I hate dogs, I like liberals, I hate hippies and environmentalist, I like conservatives as long as they don’t give me unsolicited advice, then they become jackasses, I don’t like cleaning up after myself, I do like to pay people to clean up after me, I like monkeys as long as they are a safe distance away, I hate medical procedures no matter how far away they are, I will never be a medical doctor, I would like to be scholar, but I hate writing papers, I would like to be a expert on some obscure subject so cnn would have to call me when that obscure thing happened, like an expert on South American chinchilla swarms, those don’t happen too often, I like chocolate, but only with peanut butter, chocolate by itself is boring, I hated Wedding Crashers and Solaris, I liked Harold and Kumar go to White castle, I still think Saturday Night Live in funny, I remember when Craig Kilbourne hosted the daily show and I was sad when he left, now I am glad he is gone because he sucks compared to Jon Stewart, last night Ashley came home at 12:30 and I told her I had a chinchilla in the kitchen and she believed me, she was going in there to look when I told her I was kidding, she threatened to kill me…so for those of you that gave us sheets, thanks, now she has something in which to hide my cold lifeless body after she bludgeons me with a our brand new shit….oh by the way, thanks for all the shit….in case you haven’t got a thank you card yet.
March 17, 2006
If you live in an Igloo then you stand a better chance setting off fireworks in your house. If you live in a hut made of dead grass, mud and sticks it would be a bad idea. Thus sayeth the Grant. Microsoft does not recognize old English, it lights up as read and green. I don’t know the whole story but according to my “coworkers” if you have a site on “webspace” then you are probably a child molester. Luckily I don’t waste my time posting useless crap on webspace, I post my useless crap here, so what does that make me? I’m not a blogger and I’m not a child molester. Webspace is another “blogging” type thingy and those thingies piss me off. I hope they shut it down, get a real website, and stop ruining my evening news stories about Iraq and George Bush with stupid ass stories about pedophiles on webspace, I’m sick of webspace, if kids were all in school or at sweat shops we wouldn’t have any of this crap. Parents complain their kids have too much homework – but they don’t do their homework – they go to webspace and met a man named Jo-Jo from Hartsville and who stuffs them in a box – we need more homework or more sweatshops.
March 20, 2006
Today is some anniversary of the
March 21, 2006
I don’t have much to say. It seems like a lot of people have been going to jail lately. Hal tells me he has seen a chinchilla and they are wild, and tear ass around a cage; he suggested a flying squirrel instead. I don’t think a flying squirrel would appreciate living in a cage. The sopranos are boring, I am disappointed, HBO needs to hire some people from Fox. Does Idol come on tonight? I think so, Simon was on Larry King and he said it didn’t matter who gets voted off until the last 2 or 3 – I don’t know if he is stupid or brilliant – either way he makes more money than me and he probably knows Richie.
March 28, 2006
Wow, I’ve been slack about writing, sorry. I want to wish CJ a happy late birthday. I hope you have a wonderful year and