2007

 

 February 29, 2008

In honor of leap day, I started a new page, since they both occur like once every 4 years – here ya go.  Don’t say I didn’t get you a birthday present.  Speaking of birthdays, I’m working in a smaller office now, I hope we don’t do birthdays, but if we do it can’t be that bad.  Office birthdays are always strange, there’ s no good way to do them.  When I am president birthdays will be abolished, along with most people in the Yankees organization.  I would put Michael Moore in charge of a country of his own, so he could fail and be made fun of.  I would limit the amount of kids a person can have.  Jails would not exist because I would subcontract out the prisoners to corporations as cheap labor. College would be a privilege like it used to be, everybody won’t get to go.  University of Phoenix be converted into a sweat shop for convicts making air Jordans.  The caps lock key on a keyboard will be moved up into the row with the “F” buttons.  Stargate will become the official TV show of the nation.  Seinfeld and Quantum Leap will be brought back on the air.  Reality shows contestants will go immediately to work at the University of Phoenix making shoes.  The armed forced will be subcontracted out to India, along with all out IT support.  The trillions of dollars saved will be used to buy up all the property in Canada and drill for oil.  Cars will get at least 40 miles per gallon.  Dodge Trucks must get no more than 8 miles per gallon.  Most people will drive Dodge trucks.  Ford motor company will become a satellite campus for the University of Phoenix.  Ford will make plastic trinkets to be sold at South of the Border in over by Dillon. 

 

March 3, 2008

Cubicles suck, they are like cages for people not in jail.  At least in jail there is a code of respect and if you step out of line you get shanked, in the world of cubicles there is no code of shanking. I sometimes wish there was.  Fortunately I am at a place now where I have a private office with a door and 4 walls.  I did not realize when I took my last job that I would be working at a cubicle or else I would not have taken it, or I would have made them pay me much more.  I would have asked for the still beating heart of Jeff Gordon as a signing bonus.  If that makes you laugh you are either a redneck or an adult swim junkie, either way you are alright in my book.  If everyone knew how to erect dry wall we could eliminate cubicles.  But most people don’t know how, so they hire Mexicans.  I like to remove the caps look key from my keyboard.  People don’t understand why I do it, it make them uncomfortable, like I am some kind of revolutionary pushing the envelope of middle management America.  Dude, I hate excess buttons.  Just like I hate hiking, camping, hunting and anything else that requires walking around in the woods.  The woods are for us to cut down, not enjoy.  You don’t see people walking through cornfields pitching tents and building camp fires.  Environmentalist suck.  They are the worst kind of hippy.  Bono and his green peace ass included.  One group says renewable energy is the way to go, another says not to put wind turbines in the oceans because it blocks the view, another group says nuclear power is evil and kills millions, while another says oil is evil – they all hate paper mills, and their effluents and stacks – they should see the crap spewing from biodiesel plants!  Slaughterhouses have cleaner effluents.

March 11, 2008

It’s been an eventful week.  First of all, the band, excluding myself and Matt was shot at while driving back from Edisto at 4AM, yes, people in another car fired at Martin’s car and there are bullet holes to prove it.  I am very happy no one was hurt, I’m not going to joke about it, it was serious.  I will let the people involved decide when it is funny.  The reason I was not there is because I was in Orlando.  We went to Sea World and 2 Braves games.  The Braves games were spring training games.  We got to see Mike Hampton pitch and then leave the game hurt, other than that it was sloppy baseball, with poor hitting and poor pitching.  I’d go back,  it was fun.  The highlight of the trip was when I got free parking at Sea World.  The big ass whale show is overrated and over the top.   

 

March 12, 2008

Hal told me I wasn’t writing enough, I told him he could pay me to write on my website otherwise he would be blogging.  Blogging is gay.  So is unprecedented and unconventional comma use.  The place I used to work had a guy go crazy in the office, he started yelling and screaming and they called the cops and he resisted arrest, they say he has a gun fetish.  I’m glad I left when I did, I am 100% sure they will not beef up security, which consist of a cute little black girl at a desk in front of an unlocked door.  The place I work now is like freaking fort knox.  We have pass cards, magnetic locked doors and passwords.  Yet we’re much more laid back here, so far it’s cool, and I like it much better.  Essentially there were 2 ex Fluor Daniel managers running the fag engineering office and the job I was working on – they were the world’s biggest assholes.  I’d put either of these guys in a cage match with Old Man Cooley and his friend Walker any day of the week.  Fluor vs IP.  The days before I left the asshole in Greenville told me he was going to hire someone else to be my boss.  He knew I didn’t like him, because I told him I didn’t, so he thought if I had someone different to report to I might consider staying.  He told me the dude was an ex IP manager – I laughed, and politely told him to kiss my ass.  I hear GE makes assholes too; I don’t have any firsthand knowledge of this though.  I would guess anyone working for David Chase is an asshole, and probably a douche as well.  Rabbits, there was an ESPN special on rabbits.  I laughed as they flashed the sound bites of the rabbit show. 

 

March 13, 2008

Happy birthday to me.  Today is one of my many fake birthdays.  I turned 19 today.  I figure fake IDs can work in reverse. 

March 17, 2008

I am glad Clemson did not win that stupid tournament, I would have heard about it all week.  Last week they put a sign on my door that said USC: So easy a cave man can do it. 

March 18, 2008

I think St. Patrick’s Day was yesterday.  What a stupid day, if you are a normal American.  If you are Irish then I suppose it means something to you. If you are from Boston then you use it as an excuse to get drunk and beat on your wife.  I watched the newest Stargate movie last night, when I rented it, I thought there would only be like 2 or 3 copies in the whole store, but Blockbuster had 4 rows of movies and they only had like 5 copies left.  I was shocked.  Anyway, the movie picked up where the series left off, exactly, it was like another episode.  I wish David Chase would do this, but he won’t.  Not until James Gandolfini runs out of money and needs to make a comeback like John Travolta did with Pulp Fiction.  Can you see Tony vs The Gimp.  Anyway, I was thinking about David Chase and how I feel sorry for him because he is named after a Charismatic Jewish King and a credit card.   

 

March 19, 2008

You know what makes me madder than hell, besides children, David Chase and waiting in lines – coffee places.  Coffee places piss me off cause all the sell is expensive flavored water.  Why is it people have to drink coffee in the morning.  If you ever drank coffee to help you stay awake then you have no right to be pissed at Barry Bonds or that Roger Clemens guy.  So coffee is legal, so was HGH at the time.  So steroids were illegal – so is speeding but you don’t see coffee drinking road rage assholes in front congress.  Starbucks is finally getting some competition, and they are struggling.  This is great news, I hope they die.  Starbucks represents everything that is wrong with society.  It slithered out of the Seattle area, just like Kurt Cobain.  Starbucks acts like it has some sort of corporate goodness, and environmental responsibility but really they have the same environmental footprint as everyone else and they want to make money like everyone else– it’s like they act like the they have a message but they are really all black and evil on the inside – just like Kurt Cobain.  Starbucks has this in-your-face marketing campaign where they stick their name and they put stores on every corner of the earth – just like Kurt Cobain.  And when the rest of the world catches on gives them some god old American competition and the populace starts to figure out $6 coffee is a freaking rip off and the McDonalds big gulp is just as good – well, they close shop – just like Kurt Cobain.  Is paying $6 for a cup of coffee any more stupid than buying a $12 Nirvana CD with 60 minutes of a coked up heroine fiend screaming at me?

Small colleges are for people with small brains. 

Small private colleges are for people with small brains and large check books.

Small private medical schools in Mexico are for me!

 

 March 24, 2008

You know that movie Babel with Brad Pitt. It sucks.  It sucks as bad as that Solstice movie with George Clooney.  Bad movies suck.  Snakes on a Plane was a masterpiece compared to Babel.  My new job is alright.  So far there isn’t any drama.  Most things are normal.  Not much to write about.  I’ve been meaning to rant about myspace and facebook, but I’m scared if I do I will get spousal abused.  Ashley likes to play on facebook, I don’t get it.  Hal knows what’s up.  He keeps it real.  I was thinking about writing about Idol.  Idol is getting phony, but it’s been fake in some form or another the whole time.  This year there is an overwhelming number of washed up ex-record-contract losers in the mix.  Some say it is a conspiracy, I think they are running out of people for the show so they are going to the recycle bin out in East LA looking for no talent ass clowns – ha, I love that line. 

 

 March 26, 2008

People buy homes with low yet adjustable interest rates.  At the time the interest rate is such  that the payment is manageable, but over time the rates climb and the mortgage gets too high to make. This is compounded by the people acquiring these loans are already carrying credit card debt and have undisciplined spending habits.  Now, ask me if I feel sorry for someone who gets in over their head – the answer is no.   The government should not pay off people for making poor financial decisions.  There were too many people buying houses, the market was flooded with demand – now there is a correction because all the idiots with bad credit are no longer going to be able to get loans.  The market will take care of itself, the government does not need to bail out anybody.  Ashley sent me an email telling me Richie was arrested for DUI.  I don’t feel too bad for him, he’s doing alright, making money.  He needs to stay out of the state of California, if he was in New Jersey the cops would have giving him more beer and drove him home. 

 

 March 28, 2008

Yep, what, charter cable and internet suck.  In fact most internet providers suck.  We’re going to try DSL now because the cable internet is so erratic, and Ashley is taking classes online now.  No it is not the university of Phoenix.  Hey, watch the cat piss South Park episode with a real cat, it is funny, they get all upset and want to know where the other cat is.  I think I get a free lunch today if I go to waffle house with my boss.  This guy makes tons of money and he always wants to go to waffle house in the daytime.  Waffle house in the daytime is strange, and it means you are old.  I give in, I am old, and I want a free lunch.  My prediction for baseball season is that the Sox don’t repeat and the Royals might be decent, and the Cubs will go to the playoffs.  Atlanta is still up for debate, we have the potential to be very good, but it feels like we are an injury or two away from being dead last.  Too many older players and too many players with recent injuries make for a risky 162 games. Smoltz, Hampton and Chipper especially and the Braves have no one as a backup catcher.  If Brian goes on the DL the next best guy might as well be a pitcher – in fact if they were playing in an American League park it would be better to DH for the catcher I that situation – that’s why I was hoping the keep Javy, but apparently the Braves thought Javy sucked go they released him.  When Brian does not play, the 8th and 9th batters are an automatic out.   I think the story at the end of the season is going to be who got hurt and when – not “Braves Back on Top”

 

 March 31, 2008

This is the last day in March.  If I was working at a mill somewhere I would be doing monthly reports, depending on when the physical month ended.  Oh, I mean fiscal.  Fiscal months are stupid, and fiscal years are even more stupid.  People think we collect taxes on a fiscal year from April to April because that is when taxes are due.  What morons.  Whoever invented the fiscal year was surely a C student from an Ivy League school hell bent on imposing his will by changing the fabric of measured space time by adjusting the calendar a couple weeks every year.  Speaking of C students George Bush was on ESPN last night talking about baseball and he made sense.  He would be better off owning a baseball team than running a country.  What the hell with the daylight savings time bullshit.  I was flying commercial they day the time changed.  I’m glad there wasn’t a glitch.  Speaking of flying commercial – there is a Southwest commercial that says “It’s like having your own private plane”  I can say bullshit to that – it’s nothing like having your own plane, not  that I know firsthand, I’m just saying.  When I am president children under the age of 12 will not be allowed on a plane.  Tough shit. You want to bring a kid, stick ‘em in a cage and place ‘em in the cargo hold.  Kids on planes are evil, not to mention it is cruel to the kid.  At least in the cargo area they won’t bother me.  One thing I can say about air travel is that at least in the US there are regulations and regulators keeping the carriers in check when it comes to flight safety.  It may not be perfect but it is better than say Brazil or Thailand. 

 

 Top 5 Workplace April fools jokes

5.         Take a co-worker hostage, take him to a basement, cut off a toe, mail it to the boss and tell him the rest of Billy will arrive in 3 days, mail another toe to his wife and ask her for money.  Everyone will think it’s a hoot.  Use the money to buy a lot of cocaine.  (We’ll see a use of it later)

4.         Get your boss to drive a group of you to lunch, ask him to stop you off at the bank on the way to Pizza Hut.  Run out to the car with panty hose over your head and a brown paper sack, screaming go go go asshole.  Tell them later it was a joke – but buy lunch with blue stained twenties.

3.         Steal your favorite co-workers car twice in one day.  When he’s past the point of being pissed cause he walked a mile in sub freezing Illinois weather and he begs you to be nice to him – steal that son of a bitch again. 

2.         Hid old man Smith’s phone in the ceiling.   Call it over and over.

1.         Take the cocaine, make it into crack.  Every morning break up a little bit more and more and put it into the coffee maker.  After about 2 months invite the big bosses to come see how much work has been done lately.  When they get there and the office has turned into the bad part of East LA, and the boss is chewing his fingers off and the secretary is a crack whore – well you can laugh and make some stupid Dave Chappelle joke and get a promotion.

 

 April 1, 2008

I watched the Braves last night and they lost, I went to sleep in the 12th, when it was still tied.  The Braves are going to suck this year aren’t they?  I think my dad is going to the Masters next week.  I don’t have the desire to watch people play golf like that, I watch it on TV sometimes, but not often.  I don’t see the attraction of professional golf.  Frankly I think it is boring, I watch it because I like to watch the black man beat the rich white folk at their own game.  It’s true – golf is a white man’s game.  Until Tiger all the record holders were white, maybe not rich white folk – but white.  I don’t personally care what the hell Woods does, I think he is boring, I think they are all boring, but I do care  that his success forces people to look at the world a little differently.  It would be like a Freddy Mercury or Elton John gay type setting Peyton Manning passing records.  Not that the whole world is racist or homophobe.  People have stereotypes of what a successful quarterback or a successful golfer look like, and Tiger changed that image singlehandedly.   I want to see him win every single match he enters by 50 strokes.  Michelle Wie sucks.  I hate overhyped sports figures that end up sucking.  This always happens at the Olympics.  If I was going to the Olympics and Dateline wanted to do a story on me, I wouldn’t even return their call.  Getting on TV before the games and worse yet being in a commercial before you win is like being on the cover of Madden.  You get hurt or go to jail.  USC football is going to suck really freaking bad.  My solution is to relocate the University to the state of Florida, once we win the national championship we can move the school back to Cola.  Speaking of Cola.  I haven’t been to Cola in months.  Maybe since last year.  That’s weird.  I used to go every week.  No, I remember, we went by there on the way back from Edisto on Jan 1.  My mom asked me if I knew of a bar called so-and-so, nope never heard of it.  I’ve been out of school now longer than I was in school, college that is, not all schools.  I enjoyed it, it was something to do.  I wouldn’t go back, unless I had to, but I don’t know why I would have to.  I don’t see anyone with a gun to my head. 

 

 April 2, 2008

Don’t have much to write about today, pretty boring here in the in the Greenville.  My new job is alright, it’s much less stressful, and the people are pretty decent, no one yells, other than that it’s about boring.  I’m making some cash money for sitting around typing shit on my anti-blog.  Hopefully one day I’ll be president so when I get bored I can go screw with tourist walking around on the first floor of my house.  I think I’d blend in with them wearing a Hawaiian shirt and flip flops and then at some point challenge one of them to a singing competition or a round of put-put.  Then we’d all have drinks at the joint chief’s super secret round table of death in the 4th level basement.  Being president is a fun job.  I called old man smith “Big Toe” because that’s what Bill Murray calls the Sergeant in Stripes – now all the people call the Old Man Big Toe.  I don’t know if it’s funny or not, I don’t think they have any idea where I got it from, if they saw the movie they might think I was an asshole.  Aqua Teen movie was on Sunday night, I watched it on DVR.  It was decent but more like a 2 hour episode.  I don’t think animated TV shows that turn into movies are good ideas, regular TV shows – they can be movies, but cartoons don’t translate well for me.  I’m gonna go read the Onion or something.

 

April 3, 2008

Best ways to piss off a lady friend

4.         Call her on the phone, after chatting with her for a few minutes; ask her to transfer the call to her sister, tell her it is a surprise.  Ask her sister to come over for drinks. Hang up.  Surprise bitch.

3.         Ask her to the movie she really wants to see with Julia Roberts. Take her to the movies, buy one ticket to the Bruce Willis kick ass movie, and buy one ticket to the Julia Roberts 2 hour suck fest.  Tell her to meet you in the lobby later.

2.         Ask her if she wants to go to the beach with you and your wife.  If she says no, ask her for her sister’s number again.  If she says “Wife! I didn’t know you had a wife”  Tell her she needs to pay closer attention when you speak.

1.         Invite her for a romantic weekend at a well traveled industrial port city.  Take her to dinner, get her drunk, beat her over the head, and sell her ass to a bunch of Arabs.  Have her sister met you the next day, it would be a shame to let the 4-star hotel room go to waste. 

Best ways to piss of a boyfriend

4.         Cancel the cable

3.         Loose his best baseball cap

2.         Call him during Southpark and then fuss when he doesn’t pay attention.

1.         Make him go hiking on a Saturday in September. 

0.5       Beat him at any sport.

 

April 7, 2008

I don’t know what the hell drives others guys to want to get up on stage and dance with an all DUDE band – it’s gay, it pisses me off and it makes both of us look like idiots.  Don’t ask me to “Lay down a beat” either, if you could rap that well, you wouldn’t be dancing by yourself 12 inches from where I am playing guitar.  If you wanted karaoke, you should have rented a dude with a TV and a mic – it would have been about $1000 cheaper than what you got. 

 

April 8, 2008

I was surprised that Kansas won last night.  I didn’t watch, because I didn’t care about those 2 teams, and I thought the game would suck, like most of the other NCAA games.  Well it didn’t suck, but I don’t care, I was sick of college basketball anyway.  College basketball is too diplomatic – 64 teams get to play for the national title - 64, out of like a couple hundred.  Pretty much all you have to do is beat the hell out of small schools and play 0.500 ball in your conference to get in.  Imagine if football was that way.  Oregon State might have a national championship.  Small schools are doing better, Davidson was fun to watch, and they almost made it to the final four.  UNC had to be disappointed.  They should have won.  Anyway, enough sports writing for today. 

I was wondering why we don’t all have bird flu by now? Or maybe SARS.  Some of the smartest doctors in the world were saying there was a “good chance” we would see a pandemic or an outbreak that could kill millions – well nothing.   It makes you wonder if all the environmental screaming the world is coming to an end are feeding us the same crap.  I do think there is a connection between the earth warming and humans, and I think we need to do something to help get back on track.  However I am quit skeptical of environmentalist because they can spew bullcrap just like the guy trying to sell you a used car.  Examples – people call for green energy from biomass – well do you know what biomass is – it’s freaking wood.  Then another group gets pissed when you cut down trees and yet another group gets pissed you moved an owl to cut down the trees, then you try to build a windmill farm in the ocean and another group gets pissed because you are blocking the view mother nature intended, and god forbid you try to build a nuclear plant.  All the environmentalist groups have their own agendas, and some, like Green Peace or the Sierra Club have enough money to lobby congress so these none science types in office get fed bullshit by biased science from a lobby.  Top all that off with an administration that cares more about scratching the backs of big oil, and corporate America and you get an EPA that acts more like the security at Haywood Mall.  Then, you get sensational media coverage of a few ethanol plants and biodiesel plants and people start thinking they need to invest in renewable energy – well assholes, you had a perfect source of renewable energy from the beginning – wood – but you didn’t want to chop down any trees or move any owls.  Biodiesel and ethanol are probably not that green.  Ethanol uses a ton of water, uses a ton of energy, emits serious VOCs and HAP’s – in fact a typical 100 MGY ethanol plant has 2 gas fired boilers, and 2 gas fired thermal oxidizers, and has a cooling tower with a large recirculation rate in the ten to twenty thousand gallon per minute range.  Biodiesel makes nasty by products, that are given away.  Biodiesel also makes nasty, nasty effluent, sometimes in the 10,000-30,000 BOD range.  Unless a biodiesel plant is built next to a soybean plant or a barge terminal the amount of energy going into the production is fairly high, I would guess all total from harvest to transport the energy balance on biodiesel would lean toward making it non-renewable.  Meaning you have to spend more energy to make a gallon of biodiesel than you can get back out of it.  All things said biodiesel has the potential to be a better investment than corn based ethanol, because there are more potential sources for biodiesel and it is less energy intensive per gallon.  Anyway, long story short, there is no magic to cure the environment, short of making environmental run on hamster wheels for electricity.

 

April 9, 2008

Best ways to make it through a sluggish economy.

·         Buy stock in retail stores in Mexico

·         Sell your chinchillas

·         Set up a business that handles all the phone calls complaining about American Airlines

·         Get a degree from University of Phoenix in your spare time, while you are in between jobs

·         Get a white lab coat, tell people you are a doctor

·         Release a rap CD

·         Kill your enemy rapper

·         Go to jail

·         Convert to Islam

·         Write a book

·         By now the recession is over

·         Go back to work for as executive for American Airlines

 

A guy was lecturing me today on the importance of proper response to a refrigerant leak from a several hundred ton chiller.  He kept telling me about scuba’s and how people used them and how you had 2 in case the first rescue person went down you could send in another after him, and how you had to have special training and certification on how to use scuba’s.  I corrected him, but he didn’t act like he knew what I was talking about when I told him I was familiar with SCBA’s and Haz Mat response.  I think he was getting his info off the web somewhere was trying to impress us with his knowledge.  I can see Folk running around in a full blown wet suit with fins and all trying to rescue some poor victim.  SCUBA is not what firemen wear – it’s not even similar, the only thing even close would be the cylinder that stores the air, and may the air hoses.  You couldn’t switch them and use one underwater and use the other to protect you from a hydrogen sulfide contaminated environment. 

 

April 10, 2008

Some dude at work was trying to sell me life insurance and he wanted to know if I rode motorcycles, and I laughed.  I said no, then he wanted to know if I went boating often, and I told him I disliked boating.  So to all you haters out there that cuss me for talking trash about motorcycles and boats, see, it saved me money today, and I didn’t have to take a blood test.  If they had asked for blood I would have called them vampires and probably shot them with silver bullets, I know silver bullets don’t work on vampires, but they do work on humans, especially insurance salesmen.  I sit around all day and think of ways to piss off insurance salesman, and today I had a chance to bring my A game – but I succumbed to their magical ways and bought extra term life, I really dropped the ball.  I was going to ask him if he insured rabbits and then talk about rabbits for 30 minutes but he used his special secret insurance man charm to make me spend money.  Who the hell came up with insurance anyway?  The first guy was either crazy successful or really dumb and risky.  You pay me now and then I will pay you when you die, that sounds like a tough sell, but I guess it’s not.  I had the option to buy cancer insurance, I ask him if I could buy AIDS insurance had he looked at me funny and said they were working on that one.  Apparently you can bet on, I mean take out insurance on rather or not you have a baby with medical problems.  (I’m trying to be nice, but what I mean to say is you can buy retarded baby insurance too)  How horrible is it you can hedge your life by gambling on if and when you get cancer or if you are going to have a retarded baby.  You are saying, if I gotta put up with this crap, I’m gonna get paid.  I’d rather not have the money and not have cancer or retarded baby. 

 

April 11, 2008

When I am president 13 will be the age of consent but also the floor for being tried as an adult. 18 will be drinking age and the gambling age.  It’s stupid 18 year olds can’t drink.  It’s also stupid I can’t buy pot and cocaine at the gas station, well, I can’t buy them legally.  If a 15 year old has sexual relations with a 19 year old, the 19 year old can be charged with rape and go to jail.  But if that 15 year old murders the 19 year old the 15 year old can be put to death by the state – that does not make sense.  An 18 year old can join the military, but not gamble or drink legally in the US.   The government can spend trillions of tax money on drug enforcement, and prison construction, when simply legalizing some of the more common street drug would free up tons of money for schools and teachers and roads and cool science things like trips to Mars.  I don’t care if you do crystal meth, or crack – I would argue the people that people are going to do it anyway.  It’s not like if you legalize cocaine,  the president of the local credit union is going to show up  to the Christmas party with Charlie Sheen all coked up.  The war on drugs is bullshit, it always has been, and now it’s not even about enforcing the laws, it’s about the money hungry law enforcement agencies sucking on the teats of the American tax payer.  Drugs could be legalized slowly over time without firing a bunch of DEA agents or cops.  I think law enforcement is needed, I’m not knocking them, I’m knocking the government hand out making the law enforcement agencies so fat.  Sadly I suspect this will happen about the same time major league soccer gets fair airtime on PTI.

 

April 14, 2008

I had a thought.  Wrap your head around this.  When you give blood you get like a cookie or a sticker or maybe a t-shirt.  When you go to the hospital because you ran your motorcycle into a freaking van you pay thousands of dollars for a transfusion.  Talk about mark up.  A ten cent cookie translates into a five thousand dollar liter of you know what.  I want a cut.  Well not me personally because I would charge $25,000, but in general giving the gift of life should translate into cash money.  I understand there are overhead costs and labor costs and transportation costs, but seriously, think of it this way.  There are medicines, like Plavix or other blood thinners that if you don’t take after a heart surgery you die – no question, you die, dead.  Does Bristol-Meyers Squibb give Plavix away for cookies and a t-shirt?  Hell no, that shit’s expensive.  Next time somebody asks you for your blood tell that vampire you want cash money, otherwise tell them to go ask Merck or Pfizer. 

 

April 16, 2008

Dudes on Idol suck this year.  Every year the judges say this is the best year so far, and Randy Jackson, I used to think he was kinda smart and savvy, but he’s about as stupid as Paula.  He was a record executive, which goes to show how stupid you have to be to produce popular music.  The ratings are slowing, and the idol gives back crap pulls about 30% less viewers and the kick off show pulls 10-20% less.  The show is slipping – pretty soon it will go away – and in the middle of the writers’ strike – they should have pulled record ratings.  Speaking of, I was pissed about the writers’ strike.  Hey, if you don’t like what you are getting paid, don’t work there anymore.  Damn baseball unions and writers unions suck ass, all they’re good for is making the general public mad.  I don’t have a problem with unions in general, they can serve a purpose, and be beneficial to a work group – but when you start screwing with stuff people count on, like baseball and TV, lines get crossed and I get mad.  Ashley and I are going downtown tonight for dinner with a guy I work with from Atlanta.  I have not been downtown in like 5 years.  I am looking forward to it, I hope I don’t get lost. 

 

April 17, 2008

Damnation.  Nothing to rant about today.  Never mind, I can find something, so, we go to this place for lunch about once or twice a week, it’s like Pizza Time.  The lady that runs it is Greek, just like Pizza Time, but the Greenville lady don’t like working so she hires a bunch of people and walks around blabbing her mouth about Clemson all day.  I sure hope her business is doing well enough she can afford to come up to my table and tell us all about the latest soccer recruits or the baseball team.  She hates Tommy Bowden, I don’t understand it, if I were a coach I would never consider Clemson unless my last name was Ford.  Those fans are such jackasses, such fair weather bitches, and they never even stepped foot in a classroom.  Who cares about college baseball, it’s meaningless, it’s boring.  Did you see the national championship for women’s basketball – yeah, there were empty seats, and the cameramen and producers seemed to make damn sure they didn’t pan into the fans in the upper deck, or give one of those panoramic shots from the back corner.  At least the college baseball world series has tons of fans there, but it’s still kinda cheesy.  They play in Nebraska, nothing is in Nebraska – move it around, don’t let one state hog the thing.   College baseball and women’s basketball are a waste of time – I can’t believe ESPN airs either one; the ratings have to be terrible.   I think the only reason NCAA women’s hoops is aired is because someone feels they have to, face it, it sucks.  There’s no problem whatsoever with women playing ball, it’s just I don’t want to watch it.  I don’t want to watch lacrosse, or soccer either played by men or women – it’s a sports thing, not a women’s rights thing.  I have no problem with a woman president; I do have a problem with women playing basketball on TV when the station could be showing me Steve Nash or Kobe Bryant.

April 18, 2008

We played a party last night and the fraternity was extremely well behaved.  They partied, but they weren’t obnoxious about it.  No guys got up on stage and nobody tried to sing with us – a common problem.  There were no fights, no structural damage and nothing was stolen as far as I could tell.  All around an excellent show.  There was an earthquake about 50 miles or so south of where I had been working in Illinois.  They felt it in Chicago, so I know they felt it in Danville.  It’s funny because the Project Manager that was such an ass left the site yesterday and I figure the earthquake was one of two things.  Either the plant fell apart because he left and he was holding it together, (feel the massive amount of sarcasm) or it was about 40 pipe fitters, and engineering people throwing one hell of a party.  I would have liked to be at that party.  Anyway, I didn’t feel the earthquake and I was up at 5 AM, which sucks now because I’m awake at my desk.  It’s alright, though, it was worth it.   We’re playing another show tomorrow in Clemson.  I always wondered what it would be like to play shows all the time and have great crowds; I only wish 20 year old Grant could switch places with me.  Jumping around and driving all night take its toll on a 30 year old.  I’m going to need Tommy John surgery for my picking arm, or I might have a pulled hamstring or something. 

 

April 21, 2008

We watched two movies this weekend.  I Am Legend – which was great, though it could have been a bit longer, and more sciency, if sciency is a word.  My problem with the science behind most of the zombie, plague type movies where humans turn into mutants or zombies and go crazy – like 28 Days Later or Resident Evil or this here Will Smith movie.  The humans take on superhuman abilities after they are infected and they are always difficult to kill – even in this movie the science went so far as to give us vital signs.  The body temp on those monsters was 106 0F and the pulse was 200, now I don’t think it very likely a human body to mutate over the course of several years to withstand those types of conditions.  If you were in the hospital and you had a fever of 106, they would freak out and throw you in an ice bath, and then you would be brain dead.  Secondly, in order to maintain those types of body temperatures one would have to have a massive supply of energy, and excellent insulation.  The hotter you are and the colder the outside is the faster the heat will leave your body – this is called heat transfer.  Increase blood pressure and pulse further heat loss.  I would suggest these creatures at their current metabolic rate would have either died quickly of internal organ failure or died from lack of food or from exposure to a cold New York winter.  Other than that little tid-bit I was excited about the movie- it scared me too.  Then we watched No Country For Old Men and I was I pissed.  The movie ended, it just ended like right in the middle.  The Coen brothers did this one.  If David Chase had anything to do with it, I would not have watched it, and if he did have something to do with it, I admit he got the best of me.  I read only today that the book kept going, and had the sheriff investigate the Wife’s murder and had him interview the kids that saw the bad guy after the car wreck – but that it still ended without resolution.  Anyway, I was mad but today I could care less, I’ve wasted 2 hours before on stupid stuff, so I’ll say the Coen brothers got me on this one and move on.  At least I hadn’t invested 6 years and 86 some odd episodes like I did with the Sopranos.  2 hours is nothing compared to 6 years – I’ve never done anything for 6 years straight, except watch the Sopranos, and what, what do I get in return – a big middle finger right through my TV set.  Coen brothers don’t even make my top ten list, I’m not going to watch the bucket list, I’m going to assume it sucks too.                                                                                               

 

April 22, 2008

I’m kinda bored at work this week.  So I’ve had time to read through some webpages, news articles and stuff, and a UFO has been reported over Phoenix, over the last couple days.  On blogs, and stuff people debate rather it was aliens or the US Air Force or weather balloons.  Keep in mind what you are reading is not a blog, if you think it is a blog you are crazy from the herpes or crystal meth running through your system.  Anyway, this made me think of making a list of things that people predict, but never happen. 

1.      Soccer being big in the US

2.      Legalization of Pot

3.      The Cubs winning the world series (I hope I am wrong here, I like the Cubbies)

4.      Flying Cars

5.      Cellulosic Ethanol as a cheap fuel

6.      A man on Mars

7.      Faster than light travel

8.      Frequent alien visits

9.      David Letterman hosting the “Tonight Show”

10.  Hanna Montana staying fully clothed

11.  Lindsay Lohan staying sober

12.  The Simpsons being funny again (Yes, I went there)

13.  Anything in the book of Revelation about that end of the world stuff

14.  Ben Affleck saving the planet

15.  Brazilian air travel being safe

16.  Tiger Woods getting Al Sharpton to caddie for him

17.  Tara Reid taking the derivative of   x2  (The answer is 2x)

18.  Old people coming to their senses and running the country like it’s 2008 not 1968

19.  Morgan Freeman and Samuel L. Jackson doing Snakes on a Plane II

20.  David Chase explaining the ending to the Sopranos

21.  David Chase being sent to Guantanamo

22.  Tiger Woods getting John Rocker to caddie for him (This one is my favorite)

23.  John Rocker getting the job as editor of Golf Weekly

24.  More than 10 people reading Golf Weekly in an issue when the magazine isn’t making racist jokes

25.  HD TV being that cool to smart people – I said smart people, that disqualifies all NASCAR and monster truck fans, sorry ya’ll

26.  NASCAR being relevant again

27.  Watch PTI, Around the Horn and Jim Rome, how much time does NASCAR get?

28.  About as much as women’s basketball and hockey – go to a baseball game and see a sport played the same as it was 125 years ago

29.  Don’t tell me to go see a soccer game, soccer sucks, it is a waste of time to watch, it’s like watching a marathon, out of 3 hours there is 2 minutes of action

30.  At least hockey has fights, soccer has cards and sliding tackles – so gay

31.  Surround sounds being that cool to smart people.  You know that guy whose surround sound system is 100% perfect and he brags about it – yeah, shiny things will amuse him to, throw a ball of tin foil down the street and watch him chase it.

32.  The S.A.T’s being replaced by guitar hero

 

Top things that WILL happen, as predicted by Grant

1.      Oil companies admitting they were joking about all the money they made off rising oil prices, then all the executives jump into a spaceship and fly off to the moon with every last dollar on the planet

2.      Toby Keith is shot and killed by a stray bullet when all the rednecks in Nashville fire pointlessly at the moon to kill the oil barons, as Toby commands in his latest song

3.      The Dixie Chicks put out an album 5 years earlier predicting the oil company’s rape of the US and their plans to take over the moon – but sadly no one hears it because they protested the war in Alaska.

4.      The Alaskan war last for decades, and finally ends when the oil wells dry up and everyone goes home except the Eskimos, who build casinos.

5.      Bill Clinton is sent to prison by his wife when she is elected president.  He enjoys it.  His memoirs are the highest rated homo erotica since Top Gun.  ( I went there too, that movie is gay)

6.      China starts burning people for food and energy, yet they still get the 2092 Olympic Summer Games amid mild protest.

7.      New York City is starting to get flooded so they try to build dikes, but the unions and the mayor’s office can’t agree on anything so they never get built

8.      By 2032 the first 4 floors of most buildings in NYC are underwater, but the rent is still outlandish.

9.      The Yankees move to New Jersey with all the other sports teams – no one seems to notice.

10.  The Mets refuse to leave and play in knee deep water, no one seems to notice.

11.  The Knicks all drown, and the only thing about the story that makes headlines is when one of the players is sued posthumously for yelling “Help me bitch” to an intern

12.  The future President, Eldrick Woods III will reinstate slavery, of Dutch and French people only, he will also travel to the 2092 games and have a great time eating human flesh with other world leaders

13.  By December 2092 Tiger the 3rd will become the first zombie to hold public office

14.  His grandfather, still alive after harvesting the organs of Rory Sabbatini will get attacked by Tiger the 3rd  - turn into a zombie and show up at Augusta National and literally devour the field

15.  Tiger will finish will 22 majors and 87 brains, before being shot by that guy from No Country for Old Men that looks like the dude from Kiss, he’s old too, but so what, he stole organs from Sally Fields graves

16.  I say graves because she will become possessed by thetans after joining scientology and her body will have to be destroyed and taken to the four corners of Yankee stadium and buried with a Red Socks jersey

 

 

April 23, 2008

I took a quiz on Encarta just now on Chemistry – I had to guess on like 4 of them, so I was sure I was going to get like an 8/10 or something, but I was able to pull it out and score 10/10.  Then I took a test on African American history and got 9/10 and I barely had to guess at all.  So today I am a black chemist.  I took a test on Literature and didn’t do so hot, my English teachers wouldn’t be proud – all they did was teach me how to make fun of David Chase, George Bush and My Space on a stupid website – and my grammar isn’t all that good either.  I was supposed to play a show tonight, but it looks like I’m not going to have to, which is great because I don’t feel too well.  I don’t’ want to go to the doctor – but soon enough my wife will be able to write prescriptions, and then I never have to see the doctor again, until I die or get old, then it won’t matter.  When I am old I am going to be one of those old people tells kids to get off the grass and the sidewalks – I guess so they’ll play in the street, where else are they going to go.  By then I’ll have a reason why young people are evil and why they should die.  I’m working on the old man theories at an early age; I don’t want to wake up one day and be all confused and pissed off and start rambling on about nothing.  I want a clear, well thought out argument why young people suck.  I’ll have one by the time I am 40.  The argument of trying to impress kids with how cheap everything was back in the day doesn’t work.  If everything was go cheap back in the day, then by now the old people should have owned one of everything – instead they have trinkets, blankets and old person clothes.  They don’t own cool things like cruise liners, and commercial passenger jets.  If a hamburger was a nickel, shouldn’t a Boeing passenger jet be affordable, why don’t you have one of them jackass.  Another snow globe from Vermont – oh, I’m impressed old man. 

 

April 24, 2008

Ashley asked me why the NFL draft was so popular, which made me start thinking, myself.   The timing is right, is my conclusion.  The big sports going on right now are MLB and NBA playoffs.  College baseball or soccer doesn’t even come into the conversation.  Since the inception of ESPN and cable TV the NBA reached its highest ratings in the Jordan era and MLB has its own public relations issues coupled with a marathon 162 game schedule that can get boring – there’s pretty much no other sports news – other than the draft.  Combine boredom with some marketing and guys yelling at each other on TV and you get the current NFL draft.

I got to go to work or something.   

 

April 25, 2008

Ashley kicked me of bed last night because I was making too much noise coughing and blowing my nose.  That other bed is more comfortable.  I may stay there.  She’s been asking for a new mattress for months, and I’m too cheap to buy one.  She’ll be happy to know now I am ready to go to waterbed world.  Have a nice weekend.  I will. 

 

April 28, 2008

Dude, I don’t know what is going on with teenage girls that sing and them wanting to take their clothes off.  Hannah Montana apparently keeps letting people take pictures of her in revealing poses in her underwear and such.  She is supposedly 15 – but I doubt that, even if her billy goat father says so – just ask Miguel Tejada, if that is his real name. A birth certificate can pop up at any time.  South Park in a recent episode made a reference that Hannah was going to end up like Brittany – Matt and Trey may be right.  When I was 15 I don’t remember any girls at parties in their bras hanging all over their supposed boyfriends, and I sure don’t remember any 15 year olds posing topless for magazines.  This chick is so far out of her element as a typical child that she is going to hit the nose candy real freaking hard.   What is with these girls, it’s like they are in a competition to out-whore one another and apparently the race beings about the time they grow breast – shouldn’t the police be involved? 

I was thinking the US Olympic team should boycott the summer games.  But what good would it do.  It’s not like we’d stop buying their plastic crap and Air Jordan’s.  China sucks, I don’t like the country let’s make a list of the things China does that sucks ass

1.      The government lies to its people about environmental issues such as global warming and the actual damage associated with air and water pollution

2.      The government makes other countries seem like they are threatening, going so far as misinterpreting data or even making it up

3.      People who represent a threat to overthrow the government are locked up far far away and never given a fair trial

4.      Prisoners are mistreated even tortured by military personnel by orders from high ranking state officials

5.      When the rest of the world protests against them and burns their flag they get pissed off and act even more defiant

6.      Musicians who openly protest the government’s actions are not allowed to perform or be broadcast on the radio

7.      Billions are spent on the military, national security and international intelligence while countless at home go without food or basic medical care, while corporations are allowed to pollute the air and the rivers and the common man is given little protection

8.      The head of the environmental oversight arm of the government is appointed by the head of the party and routinely ignores proven science to allow the party to give business permission to do what it wants.

9.      People in their home country are spied on by the government.

Yep, we can’t let a country doing all this crazy stuff get an Olympics.

 

April 29, 2008

Happy April 29th.  On this day 5,103 years ago the earth was created and by May 5 dinosaurs and man hung out in caves but buy May 6 all the dinosaurs turned into oil and all the cavemen turned into Egyptians.  Sound crazy, don’t it.  Well, if the creationist and young earth “scholars” had it their way – this is the kind of stuff we would be teaching in high school biology.  Think of it, Cinco de Mayo would no longer be the day the Mexicans revolted, it can be the birthday of our planet.  We went to Mexican for lunch today.  It’s funny; no matter what the hell city I’m in, no matter what state, the picky bastard at the office always picks the same 3 places to eat.  There’s this place we go called Boston Pizzeria.  It’s good, in fact I like their food a lot – but the lady that runs it won’t shut up about Clemson – so I stopped going there.  If the people at work go there – I refuse and send them a dead rat in the mail, just because, that’s what they deserve. 

 

May 1, 2008

Man, every day someone else either sues Rob Lowe or claims to have had an affair with Roger Clemens.  Just so you guys hear it from us first, us being the band - we are releasing information that romantically links our drummer, Martin, and the future ex-hall-of-famer Clemens.  Giles and Clemens allegedly enjoyed a romantic all inclusive weekend at some gay resort near Key West.  While there is no proof the couple engaged in sexual acts, we’re going to go ahead and report those acts were consummated in a Kobe Bryant manner involving lots of wine coolers and beef jerky.  Did we mention the two were good friends?  Also Martin was 15.  Somehow the Allman Brothers and that drummer from Spartanburg that was in Marshall Tucker were involved but we’re not reporting that. 

This is why Barry Bonds refused to comment or try to sue all those people pointing fingers at him.  It can get worse, than some dude writing your name in a report.  Shut up, if you get caught doing other shady things and lying about it, you are going to look guilty no matter what.  And Martin likes to talk a lot, so do red neck crack head country singers. 

 

May 2, 2008

If I had a million dollars this is a list of things I would not buy.

·         A Boat

·         A motorcycle

·         Some kind of 4 wheeler

·         An assault rifle, or any kind of rifle

·         A handgun

·         I might buy a shotgun to keep in my closet

·         A $500 cat

·         A tent or camping supplies

·         An RV

·         Season tickets to USC football games